Injured

The Injury 

I broke herself. Of course, when I breaks myself, I do it to the maximum degree, and causes a great deal of damage. April 1st, I was walking along the edge of the retaining wall in my backyard. The wall is 5 feet high. I tried to get a particular shot, lost my balance taking photos of the little buds coming out on the trees falling onto the pavers. Hubby had to carry me back into the house.  I could not put any weight on the foot. I did not sleep at all that night because of the severe pain. The next morning it was very swollen and looked bad. We went to the ER.   From 1130 until 4, I had about seven x-rays and a CAT scan of my foot. It shows that my heel is shattered. I went from there to hospital’s recommended orthopedic at the hospitals strong suggestion. Saw the orthopedist, advises that this is a very bad injury and will take a minimum of three months to heal. I have to try to stay off of my feet as much as possible. I have crutches. And the doctor suggested I order a wheeling cart (knee scooter) to put my knee on to be able to get around the house a little easier.

Surgery was 2 days ago – Friday. I was relaxed on the way. Such an easy process getting in, pre-op. I got weepy going in. Boy am I weeping. Scary and daunting messages and post op instructions are unsettling.  Seriously, don’t know how I’d get through this without Hubby.

Day 3 – What a day yesterday was. The neural block wore off and pain crept in. I slept most of the day and watched law & order.  Pain was managed by meds, but I definitely needs meds. I’m afraid of what pain will come when NSAIDs are done. I couldn’t sleep for so long last night that it was stressful. I got into my head. Realizing what a blessed life I have and how horrible recovery would be elsewhere. I love my safe home. My corner on the couch. Boy did I get into my head.  During the day and all night as I  couldn’t sleep or was in twilight sleep, I was involuntarily recalling the past ten years and all my screw ups, wasted money, gifting people who don’t care about me, running like a chicken with its head cut off from one thing to another over the last ten years. Then of course began to self hate. Ugh. Just couldn’t sleep and was my head being productive or not? 

While trying to sleep, around 1am w Hulu on my headphones and listening to Modern Family episode where kids are all grown and parents cope w empty nest.  Want to watch again. Helpful and great message at end of episode. 

Day 4 – Geez. Took pain meds at scheduled time of 8am with just handful of cashews because I wasn’t hungry..1 hr later I’m super dizzy like coming off a spinning ride and nauseous. Very very unsettling and scary. 

I realize I was crying last night with all the crap in my head and realized for the first time that I GET VERY VERY SAD WHEN IM SICK AND NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY!  Because every time I remember being sick as a child I felt alone. Ugh, what about the time I had to take myself to ER while mid-divorce and had to ask elderly neighbor in nyc to watch boys. What a nightmare. That was awful. I remember doc at NYU said I must have had a cyst or something explode inside of me. They sent me home. While in ER, whatever it was passed but so scary to be alone. I now remember that I was totally alone during my delivery of Matthew, I remember when I had my breast fibroadenoma removed and ex-hubby and I were living together…he didn’t stay at hospital during surgery but went to his boat and I took a bus home from the hospital. 

Alone and abandonment….ah, I see my feelings and logic. The history that left me this feeling. Now I see you FEELING and I’m going to remind Kathleen that Kathleen is not alone or abandoned ever ever again. Chris has been right by my side every moment without hesitation. Geez I’m blessed.  I’ve had text messages from Emily, Nuala, Janna, Joanne, Lori, Brianna, Andrew, Alex. Well, my sons and Bri were brief but I’m still grateful. 

More meandering…

Thinking about how good this recovery is for my overall health. No drinking, drugs, eating healthy, sleeping as much as I can. I feel almost like I’m returning to the person I was before I started drinking when the kids went to college…10 years. I feel happy that I’m taking care of myself, trying to be gentle, patient and kind. Feeling so great about my relationship with Hubby .  I feel so much remorse for the shit I put him through. 

Day 5 –

I slept really good last night I fell asleep at about 7:30 PM, which I know because Hubby told me he didn’t get home until 8 PM. I was asleep when he came home. He doesn’t usually get home that late, and I was trying to stay awake to spend some time with him plus I had a list of things to go over with him but none of them were that important. So I slept from I guess around 730 and I woke up at 5 AM because i really had to go to the bathroom. I was so groggy when I woke up. I hadn’t taken any extra medications to make me so sleepy but I was so sleepy. I got onto my scooter and went to the bathroom slowly because I was really kind of half-asleep. I went to the bathroom and laid back down and fell back to sleep. Hubby came downstairs at 5:45 and was getting ready to leave for work. He turned on the kitchen light and said oh you’re up babe, I guess because he had seen the scooter had been moved. So I just decided to get up and told him I was groggy but yes I was getting up. He was great as always setting me up in the morning with a enough beverages for the day and two cans of soup with a bowl and spoon making sure I have everything I need, emptying out my trash pile and if I need some clothes from upstairs I will ask him and he will get them. On mornings when he’s not rushed it’s really nice because he makes me coffee. Making coffee is one of his least favorite things to do, so I don’t ask him to do it but he knows that I really like it and if he’s not rushed he offers to make it for me. Oh that is a delicious morning. But I went back to bed and then woke up as he was leaving to say goodbye to him and wish him a good day. I actually sat back down and was just going to slowly wake up watching morning news, but as I sat there for about 15 minutes I really wanted a cup of coffee.

Well, yesterday’s rest helped!  Feeling strong to do a few things this morning on my own!  First I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch and drank it. ( I have to scooter to stairs, knees up stairs, lift onto rolling chair in kitchen. Wheel back to stairs. Step down lifting my butt and leg one step at a time. Get on scooter, reach for coffee in travel mug, put mug in basket and scooter back to couch. Then I went back up to the kitchen and rinsed out my cup, I wheeled over to the staircase upstairs, and crawled up the stairs, crawled on my knees alone, which did not hurt or was not uncomfortable, went into bedroom, close the door behind me (can’t let Ellie in) crawled to the closet, pulled myself up on one leg using the dresser (no scooter), picked out a few outfits for the week (this was the FIRST time I went upstairs by myself!  Quite an accomplishment that I’m proud of 😊💕), crawled back to the stairs and down the stairs with my clothes, got back on the chair, wheelchair to the staircase to the den, made my way down the staircase. Put my clothes in the basket, wheeled into the bathroom, took a bath and washed my hair, wheeled into my office, took care of my skin and blew out my hair to the best of my ability since my left hand doesn’t help much, but it came out OK. Great to feel fresh and clean.

Day 12 – 

I feel a sense of contentment. Although some days are long, sometimes at home on my own, I certainly can choose to make the day more busy as there are more things to do at my desk where I can sit, however, I find myself tired or my leg getting uncomfortable in the sitting position so I spend most of my time sitting on the couch looking at magazines online and watching television, and of course taking naps. I realize how very blessed I am to be able to do this. My husband has a fantastic job and fantastic insurance, and I have been blessed with an excellent doctor, I have received texts and emails of concern and love, I receive love and concern from my children, my husband has been beyond outstanding for which I am so grateful, I have a comfortable home to rest. I can get to the bathroom and take a bath, I can brush my teeth I can wash my hair; I can go into my office and put them on my skin cream – ugh, my

obsession – I can scooter up to the kitchen get up those steps, I get on my rolling chair and make my coffee, let the dog out, and if I need more cold beverages I can reach them in the refrigerator. I am very blessed there are so many people who would not have the ease I have in healing. I am able to devote all of my time and attention to healing, and I realize that there are so many people who have poor insurance. Don’t have access to good insurance, don’t have a family member or even better a spouse to help them, and don’t have a comfortable home or place to rest it. This I realize is a great blessing to me. I also realize that I am the kind of person who is always running from here and there to experience new things. This is a good time for me to sit back and just rest. I realize that I have been busy since I was 52 when Alex went to college and I became an empty Nester, which was the year I met Matthew and from the age of 52 to 54 I gave all of my attention to Matthew and was thrown through the gauntlet of hell with him. Of course this left me feeling empty because hubby was having his own struggles at home, and I was still an empty-nester. And so somehow I became involved in the lesbian world in New York City. And from the age of 54 to 57 I behaved like a complete maniac in lesbian NYC. Oh yes, I became the it girl. But that was all a crock of crap. And here I am finally at 59 feeling happy and content to be sitting at home in my house with my pets and waiting for my husband

The Mosaic

Kat

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