God Moment

My life has been difficult.  I’m 57.  My childhood was horrific with beatings, rape at age 5 (and more later), orphaned at 14 and raised in foster care; that is a summary, it was very bad.  My 20’s were not good either.  My 30’s were happy because I had my children but I also had a husband who had no interest in me and had no job or interest in finding one.   I have two younger sisters that, when my mother died she promised them I would take care of them….and I have all of these years.  It has been hard work.  I got out of the welfare circle and the gutter through hard work…2-3 jobs at a time, but I did it.

I am blessed.  Today, my life is easier.  My sons are in their 20’s, they graduated college and obtained career jobs.  I gave my sister $10,000 to get new teeth; I gave my other sister $5,000 to help her move.  I took both sisters on a vacation for $25,000 instead of taking the expensive piece of jewelry my husband offered me for my 50^th birthday because I knew that my small family would never be able to afford such a vacation.  You see, I was the only one you “got out.”

October 2015, I was camping with a group in rural NJ.  I’m an early riser.  A crazy early riser…..4am!   The campground cafeteria did not open until 7am.  Oh my, I need my coffee!  I got in my car, used my iPhone and looked for a coffee shop.  There was one 5 miles away.  I drove.  Winding, unlit, hilly, dark, wooded roads.  The animals were awake and about.  I saw at least 7-8 deer, raccoons, skunks, possums, rabbits and more.  I put on some classical music.  I was feeling happy and relaxed.

Sometimes, I think about dying.  Sometimes, I think to myself….I’m at peace with things….I’m ready to go.   I would never take my own life; I would never leave that legacy to my family.  But I am fulfilled with my journey.

As I drove, I said out loud to God, “Dear Lord, if you want to take me now by having a deer run in front of my truck that would be ok.”

And then, clear and loud the voice came in my left ear “Stop it, just stop it!”  It was a male voice, loud and firm.  Not angry or mean but definitely firm.   And I knew …..I knew….I got goosebumps.  Oh my, God was talking to me.  So, I answered!  Ok! I said, OK!  “No more, I won’t say or think it anymore.”

I continued to drive and a few minutes later a different voice….not a voice but a message came into my head….it said, there is a grandchild in your future that needs you.

I talk to God, God talks to me.  All we have to do is listen.

Kat