My life has been difficult. I’m 57. My childhood was horrific with beatings, rape at age 5 (and more later), orphaned at 14 and raised in foster care; that is a summary, it was very bad. My 20’s were not good either. My 30’s were happy because I had my children but I also had a husband who had no interest in me and had no job or interest in finding one. I have two younger sisters that, when my mother died she promised them I would take care of them….and I have all of these years. It has been hard work. I got out of the welfare circle and the gutter through hard work…2-3 jobs at a time, but I did it.
I am blessed. Today, my life is easier. My sons are in their 20’s, they graduated college and obtained career jobs. I gave my sister $10,000 to get new teeth; I gave my other sister $5,000 to help her move. I took both sisters on a vacation for $25,000 instead of taking the expensive piece of jewelry my husband offered me for my 50th birthday because I knew that my small family would never be able to afford such a vacation. You see, I was the only one you “got out.”
October 2015, I was camping with a group in rural NJ. I’m an early riser. A crazy early riser…..4am! The campground cafeteria did not open until 7am. Oh my, I need my coffee! I got in my car, used my iPhone and looked for a coffee shop. There was one 5 miles away. I drove. Winding, unlit, hilly, dark, wooded roads. The animals were awake and about. I saw at least 7-8 deer, raccoons, skunks, possums, rabbits and more. I put on some classical music. I was feeling happy and relaxed.
Sometimes, I think about dying. Sometimes, I think to myself….I’m at peace with things….I’m ready to go. I would never take my own life; I would never leave that legacy to my family. But I am fulfilled with my journey.
As I drove, I said out loud to God, “Dear Lord, if you want to take me now by having a deer run in front of my truck that would be ok.”
And then, clear and loud the voice came in my left ear “Stop it, just stop it!” It was a male voice, loud and firm. Not angry or mean but definitely firm. And I knew …..I knew….I got goosebumps. Oh my, God was talking to me. So, I answered! Ok! I said, OK! “No more, I won’t say or think it anymore.”
I continued to drive and a few minutes later a different voice….not a voice but a message came into my head….it said, there is a grandchild in your future that needs you.
I talk to God, God talks to me. All we have to do is listen.