July 22, 2018
12:32 am
He goes to sleep between 7:30 pm-9-pm. He’s awake though now. He woke at his usual time of 4am. I know he’s exhausted. But …
I’m watched
I get from the couch to pee
‘What’s wrong? What do you need? What are you doing”
This is a hybrid seed
Grown
Begun
Fractured DNA
He doesn’t travel outside the USA
His various issues
And then
I don’t know why
We mutually decided to go to Belize
Amazing
Three days in
My closest died
I had an obstruction
I had to fly home early
On meds
5 days
He cried
He said, I didn’t know how much I love you, I hate that I love you so much, I’m really afraid you’re going to die”.
Interestingly, I never felt I was going to die
Next day
I was fine
Next hybrid seed to mix in the dish
4 years later
Major fall off ledge
Shattered heel, broken wrist
Surgeries
5 screws and a plate
He helped so much
Oh
But I am me
I am me
I learned how to do everything with my limitations
The other hybrid seed was bred in
As I healed, he did not ease up on
Managing me
What I know he thought was help
But
He’d come home so tired
He could not do his high-end job
and pick up my chores
My chores
The homemaker
Ah
But when someone has to add that
to a full-time job
Well
Even a wife wants a wife
to do the endless monotonous work
Ahh
He tired
But could not stop the asking
and I’m grateful
Til I spill too
‘I’m getting a beverage, I’m getting my pajamas ‘…every flinch
what do you need? Where are you going
I am so grateful and want to be with him
But I’m independent
And
Asking me
Every move
A question
Is making me anxious, angry..I didn’t have a father
I don’t want one
I thought you were my partner
But you look like the prison guard
SO
Here we both are
With this hybrid you are feeding
Neither of us know
What plant you’re growing in your head
And
All I can do
Is be quiet
And wait
In fear
But ready
Not wanting to be
But I’ve been on the need to get ready before
‘I want you
It’s making too anxious
And then
I want to bolt
No plan
Just run from the watching
Then afraid, I’m sure
I’m so very tired of being nervous
Worrying
Anxious sad trying so hard feeling alone feeling lost feeling unloved and unknowable
I would never take my own life
I could never leave that stigma on my children
And
Anyway,
I’m smart
My children will not get the life insurance payable to them
with suicide
I’m just talking to myself here
I cannot live under a microscope
and it seems that is my only choice
my usefulness is done
I’ve had quite a run
Journey
Much much much more than any person has
The very top
The very bottom, dirty grit of NYC
Where
Who
What
Fuck
Why am I
And I’ve told you
Shown you
How much I love you
But
I’m not chattel
….look for me among the trees
************************************************************************************
BY FOXES:
DEVIL SIDE
‘Run and hide, it’s gonna be bad tonight
‘Cause here comes your devil side
It’s gonna ruin me
It’s almost like, slow motion suicide
Watching your devil side, get between you and me
So tell me what I need to do
To keep myself away from you
To keep myself from going down
All the way down with you
Still I want you, but not for your devil side
Not for your haunted life, just for you
So tell me why I deal with your devil side
I deal with your dangerous mind, but never with you
Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?
I can’t lie but I don’t miss those times
We were on a high, I thought it would never end
But you and I, we’ve come from the same long line
Good kids with a devil side, just going around again
So tell me what I need to do
To get myself away from you
To keep myself from going down
All the way down with you
All the way down with you
I want you, but not for your devil side
Not for your haunted life, just for you (just for you)
So tell me why, it’s always your devil side
It’s always your dangerous mind, it’s never you
So who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?
So tell me what I need to know
To make you wanna change it all
To keep myself from going down
All the way down with you
All the way down with you
I want you, but not for your devil side
Not for your haunted life, just for you
So tell me why I deal with your devil side
I deal with your dangerous mind, but never with you
Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?
Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?
Who’s gonna save you now?
Who’s gonna save you now that I’m gone?
Songwriters: Daniel Dodd Wilson / Louisa Rose Allen
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