July 22, 2018

12:32 am

He goes to sleep between 7:30 pm-9-pm. He’s awake though now. He woke at his usual time of 4am. I know he’s exhausted. But …

I’m watched 

I get from the couch to pee

‘What’s wrong? What do you need? What are you doing”

This is a hybrid seed

Grown

Begun

Fractured DNA

He doesn’t travel outside the USA 

His various issues

And then

I don’t know why

We mutually decided to go to Belize 

Amazing 

Three days in

My closest died

I had an obstruction 

I had to fly home early 

On meds

5 days

He cried

He said, I didn’t know how much I love you, I hate that I love you so much, I’m really afraid you’re going to die”.  

Interestingly, I never felt I was going to die

Next day

I was fine

Next hybrid seed to mix in the dish

4 years later 

Major fall off ledge

Shattered heel, broken wrist

Surgeries 

5 screws and a plate

He helped so much

Oh

But I am me

I am me

I learned how to do everything with my limitations 

The other hybrid seed was bred in 

As I healed, he did not ease up on

Managing me

What I know he thought was help

But

He’d come home so tired

He could not do his high-end job

and pick up my chores 

My chores 

The homemaker 

Ah

But when someone has to add that

to a full-time job

Well

Even a wife wants a wife

to do the endless monotonous work

Ahh

He tired

But could not stop the asking

and I’m grateful 

Til I spill too

‘I’m getting a beverage, I’m getting my pajamas ‘…every flinch

what do you need? Where are you going 

I am so grateful and want to be with him 

But I’m independent 

And

Asking me

Every move

A question 

Is making me anxious, angry..I didn’t have a father 

I don’t want one

I thought you were my partner

But you look like the prison guard

SO

Here we both are

With this hybrid you are feeding 

Neither of us know

What plant you’re growing in your head

And

All I can do

Is be quiet 

And wait

In fear

But ready

Not wanting to be

But I’ve been on the need to get ready before 

‘I want you 

It’s making too anxious 

And then 

I want to bolt

No plan

Just run from the watching 

Then afraid, I’m sure 

I’m so very tired of being nervous 

Worrying 

Anxious sad trying so hard feeling alone feeling lost feeling unloved and unknowable

I would never take my own life 

I could never leave that stigma on my children

And

Anyway, 

I’m smart 

My children will not get the life insurance payable to them

with suicide 

I’m just talking to myself here

I cannot live under a microscope 

and it seems that is my only choice

my usefulness is done

I’ve had quite a run

Journey 

Much much much more than any person has

The very top

The very bottom, dirty grit of NYC

Where 

Who

What

Fuck

Why am I

And I’ve told you 

Shown you

How much I love you 

But

I’m not chattel

….look for me among the trees

************************************************************************************

BY FOXES:

DEVIL SIDE 

‘Run and hide, it’s gonna be bad tonight

‘Cause here comes your devil side

It’s gonna ruin me

It’s almost like, slow motion suicide

Watching your devil side, get between you and me

So tell me what I need to do

To keep myself away from you

To keep myself from going down

All the way down with you

Still I want you, but not for your devil side

Not for your haunted life, just for you

So tell me why I deal with your devil side

I deal with your dangerous mind, but never with you

Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?

I can’t lie but I don’t miss those times

We were on a high, I thought it would never end

But you and I, we’ve come from the same long line

Good kids with a devil side, just going around again

So tell me what I need to do

To get myself away from you

To keep myself from going down

All the way down with you

All the way down with you

I want you, but not for your devil side

Not for your haunted life, just for you (just for you)

So tell me why, it’s always your devil side

It’s always your dangerous mind, it’s never you

So who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?

So tell me what I need to know

To make you wanna change it all

To keep myself from going down

All the way down with you

All the way down with you

I want you, but not for your devil side

Not for your haunted life, just for you

So tell me why I deal with your devil side

I deal with your dangerous mind, but never with you

Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?

Who’s gonna save you now, who’s gonna save you?

Who’s gonna save you now?

Who’s gonna save you now that I’m gone?

Songwriters: Daniel Dodd Wilson / Louisa Rose Allen