Colander Brain

I make it a joke
I call it my colander brain
The colander you use to drain pasta
With little holes
Some have bigger holes

That’s my brain
The holes of memory are getting bigger

I remember lyrics and stories to my 40’s
Ask me what I did last Tuesday
I have no idea
I take Xanax by doctor’s order
I’m wound tight like a spring
I obsessively worry
And ruminate
To the point of heart palpitations
Causing me to remain paralyzed by fear
The Xanax helps
But
That reduces memory
It’s been 10 yrs of Xanaximage

I was known as The Hawk
I missed nothing in the workplace
Nothing
Ever
That’s why I left so high
Making $110k in ’97
With full executive benefits, eye, dental, all medical covered 100%
I didn’t get that for nothing
It was extremely demanding
I worked 12-14 hour days
But only 4 days a week
I was a tornado
I left at when I was 39

I can still rise to the occasion
But law of physics
A body at rest tends to stay at rest
A body in motion tends to stay in motion
I need motion

I’ve been retired from the “workplace” for 17 years
Ha
I’ve been a full-time Mom for 17 years
Class mom every year
Chaired every fundraiser
Worked the schoolyard at lunchtime every day
College
I try to return to work

Oops
Sorry
You’re a dinosaur
Oops
Sorry
We don’t need your kind anymore

I’m sure I’m not old
I know when I enter workplaces
That I’m often smarter than employees
And not too
I’m not stupid
I know my limitations

I cannot vacation too much
It gets annoying
Some is good

I’m in purgatory now
Being treated like the child
Concubine
Chattel
Tort

I have a headache
Where are the holes of forgetting
When you want them

Kat

8 Comment

  1. I find it refreshing to see a real person talk about real things . . . . . things that you encounter during the day or week. . . things that surprise you or annoy you. . . .and also be strong enough to talk about things about yourself that others would never have the courage to. You are the proverbial blast of fresh air in an enclosed stuffy room full of people who are so full of themselves and never see or understand anyone else’s struggles in life. I hope you don’t mind that I follow you or even dare to comment. . . . I am going to try and watch some of your videos, but I was struck by the one where you talk about your mother, and going to school during the “racial difficulties” our society was going through. . . . and I thought this is a very strong woman. . . .interesting and logical, with a strength inside of her that few people have or ever will have.
    Thanks for taking the time to read this. . . . .

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